Thursday, August 19, 2010

First Time Mom

OK, first I have to say that I am sorry if I ramble in this post.  Or if it doesn't completely make sense.  I've been dealing with brain fog for the last few days.  I wrote this post last night and saved it for today.  Just so I could read it again to make sure it wasn't too "out there"....

During my cake decorating class tonight I was asked if I would be taking the next class in the series.  I don't think I will be. The main reason I don't want to is because of my daughter. She is going to preschool for the first time next month. We didn't put her in at three because I felt I could teach her the things she would learn in preschool, having been a preschool teacher in one of my former job "lives". And of course we have meet-ups with our Mommy group twice a week.  So she has had sooo much interaction with other kids her age.  

I think she is finally ready for preschool.  Mommy, however, is not so ready for her to go.  I am not sure how it is going to go.  I am sad that I won't get as much time with her, like I get now.  I feel a little like an addict who is talking about another "hit". It's a new stage of life and I don't know that I am ready for it.  Because it will be so new I am NOT ready to commit to anything in the month of September unless I have to. I don't want to commit to something and then force us to follow through if this transition isn't going as well as I hope it does. So I tried to explain this to the lady who asked if I would be taking the next class.  I, seriously, shortened the answer to prevent her eyes from glazing over.  You don't get that privilege, because let's face it, you asked for it coming to my blog. Ha!

Once I had finished explaining things she replied, "Oh, I can tell you're a 'first time' mom!".  I have to say that I was a little offended by a comment like that. I do admit that there are things I did when L was a baby that I would probably not do with a second child.  How could I not learn from my first experience?  I don't truly think that I would feel any different about my second child going to preschool then I do about my first, though.  I don't think this is a "first child" thing. Should I have a second child I would be just as sad to loose the time I have with them.  Babies stay babies for such a short period of time.  Once they are toddlers they are so busy trying to be independent that they don't remain toddlers for long either.  Now I have a preschooler and she is so determined to be a big girl. Anyway, my meaning is that the time flies. I can't even remember my girlie as a baby anymore without looking at photos or videos.  How could I not cherish the moments that I have with my daughter or any child that comes along next?

Am I just insane for enjoying the time I spend with my daughter? I love thinking of new and interesting things to do with her.  Neat crafts to try. Incredible sights to see and experiences that make her eyes widen in amazement. Barring things that are dangerous, of course, I am willing to do quite a lot with her that some moms would cringe at.  "Let's throw toilet paper around the room and pretend it's a snow storm...sure!  How about we go outside and step in paint and make tracks across paper...let's do it!" I soak in her reactions and it makes it all new for me. If we would have a second child it wouldn't be til after L was in kindergarten.  That would mean that I would be at home by myself with the second one just like the first.  I think I would still be greedy for time with them once preschool came along.

And then I realized that really what this all comes down to is a case of misunderstanding.  Apparently the lady thought that I was having concerns about my daughter's transition to preschool. OK, yeah I could see that first child thing popping into her head immediately. Most of the time the first child syndrome includes worry about  how they will cope when at school for the first time. Will they be OK?  Will they make friends? And on and on. SO not the case!  At least I'm not worried about that yet.  I am starting to think this might be a "stepping process" similar to AA.  Step 1. Denial that your child is old enough to attend preschool. Step 2. Numbness and acceptance once you've filled out the paperwork and signed your name in blood.  As well as promising them a percentage of the next 100 pay checks you receive. Step 3. This involves me feeling sorry for myself that I won't get as much time with my girl.  And Step 4. I have not reached yet but I have a feeling will be the typical worries about a child's first day of school.  Step 5. is the final stage in which you drop your child off with a brave face on and promptly cry in the parking lot once they've stopped looking.

Anyway...I think L is going to LOVE preschool. I am worried about my transition to my daughter going to preschool. There's going to be a serious "withdrawal" period I will be going through and don't want to waste the time that I will have with something I don't want to be doing. 

Or....maybe I am just a neurotic Mom who can't let go.  The decision is yours to make because I am going to go look at L's baby pictures before I crawl into bed for the night!!!


Megan said...

How many days a week is she going? Nathaniel starts preschool in a couple weeks, but just for 2 mornings a week. So far I'm still looking forward to it--for him as well as me. I'm looking forward to using the time to do some things that are harder to do with him or that he doesn't like as much--like some shopping trips, other random errands, and some cleaning. I think the time apart will help me appreciate more the time I do still spend with him. Of course, maybe my view is very different from yours because in a few months he'll have a little brother. Then I'll be able to enjoy those few hours of one-on-one time with the baby while he gets to have fun with other kids his age without having to be careful of the baby.

Blogger Mama said...

She'll be going three days a week in the afternoons. I can't blame you, I think I would be glad for the few hours with just the baby!