Saturday, October 2, 2010


Colors slowly break into bloom.  A midnight blue mixes with a black to make a patch of mottled canvas. They slowly move into a brackish green and a sickly yellow before they fade away. Bruising. I wish I had more of it. I know that sounds crazy! Let me explain.  

Having an invisible illness can be so frustrating! Strangers never know that there is something wrong.  Friends can very easily, not meaning to, forget completely that I am dealing with any health problems. And most of the time it is incredibly hard to explain what I am actually going through on a day to day basis.  It would be sooo much easier if I had bruises everywhere that I hurt. Which is why I wish I bruised more.  It's totally unrealistic for me to wish that I wasn't sick.  But is it too much to ask that my pain show a little more? I don't actually want more pain.  Just that it be more visible to make it easier to understand.

This morning I woke up hurting.  I will also admit to feeling sleepy and cranky due to a neighbor's loud party last night.  L came into the room and slowly incited a match of rough-housing. At first I was opposed to it because of how I felt.  Fortunately for her she is nearly irresistible when giggling while she rough-houses. I truly can't get enough of it. Somehow her giggle gets in my head and oozes through my body spreading good feelings through out.  It can't help but make a person smile and giggle right along with her. 

So the rough-housing commenced.  She jumped around our bed like a monkey. The next time we looked at the clock it was an hour and a half later!  Through out the time we played I sporadically got a knee here and an elbow there.  Once I got my glasses smashed against my face.  And twice I got my hair pulled somehow.  Every time I said ouch L looked at me like I had two heads.  She couldn't seem to understand why a simple elbow to the wrong spot would hurt me so much when it wouldn't hurt her. 

My daughter most often takes my illness in stride. She understand when I am having my bad days and even seems to enjoy helping me now.  She also is very good at finding ways for me to interact with her even when I am stranded on the couch for an hour or two.  But trying to understand me hurting when it doesn't show is still hard for her.  And why wouldn't it be when it can be impossible for some adults to understand? It would be so much easier if I bloomed into a bruise where ever it hurt.  Like a little road sign saying, "It hurts right here! Only 1 mile til the next hurt ahead!"

At this point I am not really sure how to help her understand this.  For today I am trying to not get down and keep my mind and heart on this song....

Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart fell lonely
And long for heaven and home

When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

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